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TO MY CHILDREN....WHAT WAS I THINKING???
Forgive me my sons and daughter. What was I thinking? I thought I was doing the right thing. I truly believed that what I was teaching you was the truth.
I raised you to take pride in yourself. To always strive to be a better person and a contribution to society. To work hard for all you received and remember those that helped you in their time of need. To play by the rules, stay honest and truthful. What was I thinking?
As I watched you my daughter struggle through the education system despite a learning disability, a serious health problem that kept you in continuous pain, put yourself through post secondary education through student loans and night jobs and then graduate with two diplomas, I felt so much pride as your mother. As you daily applied for work in your field, ran from interview to interview receiving such great responses on your qualifications, experience and fantastic recommendations, I again felt a lot that pride. But as I watched you receive numerous jobs of part time employment, due to lack of full time available and then watched you run from job to job for almost minimum wages, felt your tears as you struggled to pay back student loans despite working for such low wages...I started to wonder....what was I thinking?
And my son, how my heart ached for you when you had to drop out of your second year because you could not receive enough OSAP to cover your tuition and living expenses to go into the Public Service field you so desperately wanted, even though it was a ‘loan’ you had to pay back. Now you sit, working at a job that will do nothing but turn you into another ‘lower middle class citizen’. I pray you don’t forget your dream. How I desperately wished I could help you fulfill that dream. But my hands were tied as I struggled to get by due to my own battle to receive disability insurance despite 35 years in the workforce. Just one more ‘hole’ in the system.
Where was the reward for working hard, for following the rules, becoming a good citizen and wonderful person? Why was it that student’s that worked hard to put themselves through school on their own, while working, were penalized to pay back student loans despite being unable to secure steady employment. Steady employment that was unavailable to them because, if we hire full time, we might have to give them benefits or more. Where was the justice in our system? Why were we holding back these youth that wanted nothing more than to get a decent education and secure steady employment? What was I thinking as I taught you to follow the rules? Take pride in your accomplishments?
Should I maybe have advised you to leave school and become pregnant, apply for social assistance? Then you might qualify for help from the government to ‘better yourself’. They would help pay your expenses for clothing, transportation as you looked for employment, instead of having to roll your coins for bus fare. Then too, you could also go to their retraining programs and get trained for work, bypass the four years of education. Or another thought, maybe I should have advised you to commit a petty crime? A few years in jail and you could get a government paid education I have been told and not have to cook your own meals! Good Lord, what was I thinking?
Was I wrong to try and instill in you good morals and pride in your accomplishments? What are the government, education system and society doing to our children, our future citizens? Now I have to wonder...what will you teach your children through your own life experience? What path will you direct them in if you can avoid becoming bitter? So I stop and ask myself...what was I thinking?
frustrated
cheerful
content
confused
excited
creative
contemplative